It's Chinese New Year. I should be happy. Only I'm not.

It's come at a really bad time. A combination of too much coke and thinking is keeping me up this night. What have I been thinking of? Something entirely unrelated to the New Year.

I think that I have lost everything I had for games. Yes, that's why I'm not happy. It may be a difficult concept for some people to grasp, but believe me, the feelings are very real here. It's that sensation of there being a venomous bubble ever inflating in my chest... It grows, pushing at my heart, my lungs. I can't breathe, even though there's nothing obstructing my air. My heart feels heavy, swollen, even though nothing has happened to it. And then there's the worst part. I can't cry. The whole thing... It's agonising. Like there's something ripping my chest apart, but never quite finishes. It goes on, and on, and on.

There was once a time when I would jump to the computer and fire up Jedi Outcast or Diablo at a moment's chance. I would play for hours on end, delighting myself in the many ways I could cut someone's head off with a lightsaber, push a helpless stormtrooper off a cliff, burn demons to the ground and back to the very flames which they came from. I would experiment with coding, different ways to get around an obstacle. I would manipulate the game so that I could play differently. And then there would come the time that I'd have to turn it off, to do my homework or face some other responsibility. At that point in my life, I yearned to simply play, and play, and play.

But then Secondary School came along. Gaming had to slow down. It wasn't my choice. At least, not until sometime later. For the first couple of years, gaming was still my refuge. The time which I spent to forget about my problems at school. I even got to know a good friend through them. Eventually, however, I realised that I could not play forever. I was doing well in school and I was under pressure(by myself, mostly) to keep it up, and maybe do better. That, I did. That, I am proud and satisfied of. As more and more of my time shifted from blasting TIE Fighters out of the sky to expanding my knowledge in symbiosis and evolution, I began to lose touch of my former favorite activity.

My gaming hours dwindled to few. I started staying back in school to study, or to hang out with my friends. My lightsabers and magical elixirs grew dusty. The Force had long since abandoned me. I clung on to it, but to no avail. Once or twice, I was under the impression that I had actually caught some of the metaphorical water, but... Well, I held on to it as well as people usually do with water. Every game I'd really gotten into was great while it lasted; but as my friends began to lose interest, so did I. Anyone remember Infinity? Rakion?

Why? Why did I move on so quickly... Games that I thought I'd be enjoying for years to come, were tossed aside after less than a month of play. The gamer within me has withered and died. I should have seen it coming. I never had the reflexes to match others in online shooters, nor the patience and resilience of a MMORPG fan. I did not have the tactical skill of a strategy master. It should have been obvious. I could never have played games "seriously".

Not that it matters. But I do have one friend who I've known since my primary school days. The only reason that we are friends today is that we played games together. Online role playing games, action-packed shooters. Great adventures and impossible racers. We enjoyed each gem, and flamed each let-down.

And then there's now. I don't even have the heart to play Bioshock through a third time. I basically wasted seventy bucks on Hellgate: London, having abandoned it due to poor gameplay and a horrible storyline. Splinter Cell still entertains, but it only does so much...

I tried getting immersed into a new MMORPG, hoping that I would reignite that little passion I once had for them. To be honest, it sucked. People who make games, idiots. Really. They have yet to understand what people want in a a role playing game. RPGs are about character development. The name itself gives you a big clue... Role Playing. The entire point of RPGs is to pretend to be someone else. A wizard, a knight, a superhero. If the game fails to draw you in, fails to make you feel like a wizard... The game has failed entirely.

And the people, oh, the people. I remember when I was only twelve, and having a great time playing Diablo II online. I could talk to people who I didn't know, find friends in party members. I could really connect with people. I laughed, I really did. It's difficult to describe, but it made my experience wonderful. Today, everyone is just an asshole. It's impossible to talk to anyone without getting an idiotic comment. The territorial nature of people these days...

The role-playing games of today fail miserably. There, I said it. If anyone's playing any kind of MMORPG, you're wasting your time. You're killing your braincells when you're interacting with idiots.

Gaming has lost its meaning. Gaming is not just about grinding endlessly for levels, or farming for items for hours on end... It's about that sense of adventure, the thrill of facing the unknown, journeying to the ends of the earth and back with your troupe of trusty friends...

I have, so to speak, logged off from Arcadion.

Until another game captures my attention again, I'm sticking to books.

Great timing... /Sarcasm

-Joe